Ch-ch-changes

So I am headed back to Seattle soon; Mike will follow in a few months. We’ll be living with our good friend Lisa, so in addition to saving money, we’re hoping to have a really good time!

I’m excited to be going back—but that’s a subject for another post. Or six.

First, I need to say something that’s been hanging over my head for a while. This is different from most of the posts I’ve written, because it’s more personal than most of what we post here. And maybe this isn’t is a big a deal as I am making it seem; but it feels pretty big to me, so that’s all I’ve got to go on. To some of you—the amazing ones who’ve listened to me cry, helped me work through things, given me the courage to move forward, proof-read my applications, and will, no doubt, be there in the days to come—this is not new. But for others, this is new news, or at least new news in this more settled form.

(With all those disclaimers out of the way . . . )

When we go back to Seattle, I won’t be going back to the graduate program. I love the subject, but I just don’t love the process of writing a dissertation. While I know everyone feels that way (What was I expecting? A pony?), I was feeling it worst than most, I think. But hiding it better, perhaps. I won’t detail how miserable I was because that’s just lame and pathetic. I’ll just sum it by saying it wasn’t that I thought I’d have regrets if a potato chip truck whipped around the corner and flattened me, it was that I kept wishing that it would.

Do I have a new plan? Heck, yes! I’ll be on campus at the College of Education, training to be a high school social studies teacher. I’m happy about this—happy to be back in the classroom, happy to be working with kids, and happy to be training in a sector where the jobs are relatively more abundant. If I hadn’t gone to grad school, I would have worked a few years and then become a high school government teacher, so this is hardly a new career direction for me.

All the same, it’s bittersweet. I think I’ll be much happier in the long-term, but I’d be lying if I told you that I felt totally happy right now. Truth be told, I feel like a total failure and a flunkie. Like someone who couldn’t hack it, because, well, maybe I couldn’t. Or maybe I chose not to. But I just can’t quite grasp the difference quite yet. I want to be in a place where I can say something like, “I was enrolled in a Ph.D. program, but it just wasn’t where I needed to be (or my calling?), so I left and became a teacher.” But right now that rolls off my tongue about as easily as dry cotton. I think, once I’m more settled in this career direction, explaining the switch will get easier.

I’m tired, though, of holding my breath when I tell people I’m doing this, searching for that flicker of judgment that a hyper-sensitive me is ever-ready to perceive. I’ve noticed that I get one of two responses. Response 1: “Teaching is great, it’s a very rewarding a career, you really make a difference, you have summers off, you have your kids’ vacation schedule, etc.” Often, this person will follow up by noting the teachers that are in her/his family. That’s nice. That makes me feel good. Response 2: “You’re doing what, considering what you could have done . . . ? With kids these days the way they are? And all the school shootings? Nobody respects teachers. You know, most teachers don’t even make it five years in the job?” Okay, see, this makes me feel less good. This is not a helpful response. You know, if you can’t say something nice . . . .

So this is where I am, and why I’m doing what I’m doing. You heard it here first (maybe).